i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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