The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
