I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
