sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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