Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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