No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
