He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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