yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
