Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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