Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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