tonight lets celebrate not being married
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
