I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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