I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize