I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
