Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize