so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
