i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
