My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the day after is always just damage control
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
