there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
