don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
