And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
