My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
