is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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