call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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