My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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