We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
