i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
