I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
