Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i love accidental penises.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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