I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
