I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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