I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
