not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
