He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
