The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize