Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize