awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
