the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
