I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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