so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
