i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
