I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
