4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
