I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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