Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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