All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Soap is not a condiment
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
