I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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