if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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