His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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