I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
