she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
