Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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