I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She bit a glass in half.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He shit in the fireplace
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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