Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
