i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
