70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
