That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
