well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have fence marks all over my body
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
