Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
