Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize