True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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