I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
