Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
